The Diary
by Toofdap
Summary: Why did Sirius leave the House of Black? Pairing: RemusSirius. Warnings: Slash, angst. Work in progress


The Diary (1?)

_Archive_: Padfoot...Snuffles SBRL, Azkaban's Lair (if Nezad wants it), Meant to Be, anywhere else, just ask  
_Summary_: Why did Sirius leave the House of Black?  
_Pairing_: Remus & Sirius   
_Disclaimer_: All characters etc belong to JK Rowling - I just 'borrow' them from time-to-time  
_Rating_: slash G   
_Author's Notes_: MWPP era. / denotes thoughts/ denotes diary entries. Sirius is of age, and has his Apparation licence, but isn't that confident yet.  
_Thanks_: to my ace beta zoomlens!   
_Feedback_: is more than welcome at 

Sirius quickly packed his belongings into his trunk and made for the door. Checking that no one was looking, he quietly closed the door behind him. A young wizard with a pocket full of sickles and galleons carrying a heavy trunk would be a highly suspicious sight, so he disillusioned his trunk, transfiguring it slightly to give it wheels, and set off down the street. Checking around for any Muggles, he thrust his wand towards the empty street, and with a loud crack the triple-decker purple Knight Bus arrived.

Sirius' family didn't travel much by vehicles, preferring simply to Apparate, but he didn't like to try that with his trunk. As he boarded the bus, the conductor gave him a strange look. Handing over more money than was needed, he muttered, "You haven't seen me." The conductor counted the sickles in his hand and nodded, quickly pocketing the coins.

Three cracks later, the bus arrived at Diagon Alley, where Sirius knew the Leaky Cauldron could store his trunk. He handed over the money for storage, contemplating where to spend the final three weeks of the holidays. Remus was away with his parents, and Peter was out of the country. He'd need somewhere his parents wouldn't bother looking. They couldn't require him to return, as he was officially of age and even able to buy his own house if he wanted. However, the risk of them discovering where he was, especially his brother Regulus, was too high.

A sudden idea flashed into his mind: Padfoot. At least then he could walk to Godric's Hollow and stay with James. The Potters were away on holiday, but had agreed that Sirius could stay whenever he wanted to. Transforming into Padfoot, he set off for Godric's Hollow. It was midday and he hoped to be there before 11 that night.

Paws aching and cut from walking over rocky ground, Padfoot reached the stream on the outer limits of Godric's Hollow. He stepped into the water, letting the cool liquid soothe his paws, and taking large laps of water. It tasted different, but most things did in Animagus form. Slowly, he made his way along the river bank before reaching the Potters' house. Someone was by the path as he approached, and gave him a double take with astonishment.  
"Padfoot? What are you doing here?"  
Sirius transformed back into human form, stepped forwards to walk through the door, and promptly collapsed in the doorway, exhausted from his long trek. Oh, how he wished he could have Floo'ed there, but his father had worked for the Floo Network Regulation Board many years ago, and still had the authority to check on users and their destinations.

James quickly called his mother to help him, and together they carried Sirius indoors and up to the bathroom, where Mrs Potter set about cleaning the unusual lacerations on his hands and feet. If she didn't know better, she would have sworn that Sirius had walked there on his hands and feet, but her experiences with James had taught her to never judge, just heal any wounds.

--

Several hours later, Sirius awoke in the Potters' guest room to find James anxiously watching him. His mind rapidly replayed the scenes of the last few days, up to the point where he had blanked out, and he remembered where he was, and why.  
"How are you feeling now?" came James' voice, tone matching the anxious look on its owner's face.   
Sirius winced as he moved. Every muscle ached, and from the feel of his hands and feet, Padfoot had severely lacerated his paws. "Very stiff, but happier than I've been for weeks." Sirius was surprised to hear how canine his voice sounded after having been Transformed for so long, but James didn't appear to have noticed.   
"What brings you here via dog power then? It must have been bad for you not to Floo or Apparate."  
Sirius sat up gingerly and recounted everything. Everything except one point: why he had left home. "Regulus told my parents about something he read in my diatry. They freaked, so I left."  
James knew it was unwise to probe deeper right now. He'd let Sirius rest, then ask him later.

--

After Sirius had eaten the meal Mrs Potter prepared for him, he felt more awake and decided he'd sit outside to get some fresh air into his lungs and clear his head. His brain had felt like it was in overdrive before he'd left, and he relished the chance to have an hour or so to collect his thoughts alone. As he sat outside the front door, he spotted James heading towards him.  
"Need to talk..."  
"What, now? Don't think my brain is up to much intelligent conversation."   
"Is it ever?" replied James sarcastically.  
Sirius sighed and resignedly shrugged his shoulders. When James was like this, it was better to just get the conversation over with.  
James led him out of earshot of the house and spoke in a low voice. "So what's with this diary? I know we view each other as brothers, and it would make life easier if we were honest and open about it. I mean, I don't want to pry, but it does help to share things, especially seeing as you seem to be staying for the rest of the holidays. Is it about one of us Marauders?"  
Sirius halfheartedly nodded.   
"Which one then? Peter?"  
Sirius shook his head. "Moony."  
"OK, Moony. What about him?"  
Sirius reached into his pocket and pulled out a small diary. Passing it to James, he muttered, "That's the password."  
James took the diary, whispered, "Moony," and opened it, turning to the last entry:

_I don't know how to tell him. I feel too strongly about him -- what if he's squicked by it? By me? What if he disowns me as a friend? I can't afford that risk. He's closer than family to me, but I can't tell him how I feel. He still doesn't know I sent that Valentine's card to him. He's got no idea it was me. I love you, Moony, but there's no way you will ever know -- I can't bring myself to tell you..._

James gulped. /_Sirius is gay? How can he be? He's the most masculine one of us. He doesn't act gay, but would I know even if he did? Does he know about Remus: did Remus tell him before he went on holiday? Oh, why do I end up with the awkward friends? At least Peter is normal._/ "I see."  
Sirius gazed at his shoes, embarrassed. "What's your reaction, Prongs? I need to know if I am to spend the next few weeks here."  
James looked at his friend, and considered his thoughts for a moment before replying. "I'm not squicked. I've known worse things for a friend to be -- a werewolf, for one. Why don't you try talking to him?"  
"I can't. I don't want to risk losing his friendship."  
"But you want it to develop into a relationship." James prompted. Sirius nodded. "Tricky," James continued. "Have you thought of telling him in writing?"   
"What made you come up with that?"  
"I read it in one of those girly Muggle magazines I bought for Lily." 

/_Write it down... But that's how I got into this mess. I don't even know if he's gay -- I wish my thoughts could be transmitted straight to him through Legilimency or something._/   
That night, James waited for Sirius to fall asleep, then opened his diary. Carefully, he copied the last entry, using a quill hexed to mimic Sirius' handwriting. With his own quill, he added a note to the base, closed the diary and sealed the parchment. Moving to the window, he opened it and attached the letter to the leg of the family snowy owl waiting on the window ledge. "It's for Remus," he whispered, as he stepped back and watched the owl soar into the ink-black sky. He hoped Remus would receive it before he returned from his holiday. Quietly, James crept back into bed -- Sirius was sleeping in the guest room, but James had shared a dorm with him for long enough to know that the slightest noise was an excuse for Sirius to get up and 'investigate.'

--

Remus was eating breakfast in the isolated cottage his parents had hired for their holiday. Remote Scotland, and not another person in sight: perfect for the full moon last week. Hearing a rap on the window, he looked up and was surprised to see the Potters' owl waiting patiently outside. Rushing to the window, he let the owl in, carefully taking the parchment from its leg.  
Sitting down at the table again, Remus opened the parchment and began to read, muttering some of the words out loud in his usual style. When he finished reading it, he re-read the section taken from Sirius' diary, a grin creeping onto his face. Rushing to his room, he pulled out his own diary, copying the last entry onto the back of the original letter. He added a note to James on a new piece of parchment, sealed them both, and attached them to the owl's leg. Walking to the window, he whispered "good luck" to the owl as it flew off into the morning mist.

-- 

Sirius was just starting to fall asleep that night when there was a noise at the window. Getting up, he walked towards the window and found the snowy owl waiting. Letting the bird in, Sirius moved to take the parchment from its leg, but the owl flew away from him, landing at the foot of James' bed.  
Sirius prodded James on the shoulder. "Oi, Prongs. Owl mail." He remained in the room, curious to see what the letter was and why the owl wouldn't let him see the parchment.  
James opened his eyes and, remembering the letter he'd sent to Remus, quickly reached for the parchment, the owl allowing him to remove it before flying towards Sirius' room and out of the window again. James opened the parchment carefully, reading Remus' note to him, checking that Sirius was out of reading distance.

_Thank you, James, for sending this. On the reverse of your original letter is my latest diary entry -- show it to Padfoot. I'll see you as soon as I come back.  
Remus_

James opened the other piece of parchment, a smile creeping onto his face as he read:

_I really wish I could tell him. I even told Prongs, and at least he was supportive. How can I tell Sirius? For all I know he's perfectly straight. All I can do is hope or dream that he isn't. He will always be perfect, but he'd be even better better perfect and **mine**._


End file.
